New Election Process: A Modest proposal

I think it's clear to everyone that we have major problems with the current election process in the USA.

• It's nearly impossible for a third party to get very far in the scene.
• The money wasted on campaigns each year could fund a lot of new jobs, perhaps even jobs producing something that's actually useful.
• Apparently the two parties cannot find reasonable candidates so they randomly pick guys with expensive suits and haircuts.
• Hanging Chads would make a great band name, but it's a lousy way to count votes.
• There's not always a clear winner.
• Nobody trusts electronic voting but the current election's winners.

Rather than trying to tweak it, I propose we do away with the current system entirely. In its place, we implement what we already refer to in every election, a "battleground state".

In this method, the Supreme Court justices would write the names of states and other areas allowed to vote (Washington (DC), Puerto Rico, George Soros' bank accounts) and put them into a Bingo ball basket. The Chief Justice would don a blindfold and draw a slip at random.

The winning state, territory or other entity would then pick a location within its borders. Amidst much fanfare, the two parties would then battle it out. Any and all weapons short of those of mass destruction could be used. Once one side was wiped out or gave up, everyone left alive would be arrested, tried, convicted automatically for hate crimes and "participation in organized genocide"-- perhaps with RICO charges as well-- and locked up in Gitmo.

Then we'd hold write-in elections.

My name is Roadkill, and I approve this message.