The Flu: All Types Including The Martian Death Flu

The flu (short for "influenza", not "thing that goes from fireplace to chimney", which is a "flue") is a type of virus that manages- despite vaccines, soap, hand sanitizer, TV news, and school lunches- to kill anywhere from 3,000 to almost 50,000 people in the USA every year. So we should take this at least as seriously as, say, the VA system.

The flu comes in several grades- A, B, and C. The highest grade, A, goes to the type of flu responsible for pandemics. One of the fun facts about this flu is that it can be worse or milder than other forms. It's pretty much a ninja flu and has been known to hitch rides with birds.

Type B is not responsible for pandemics, merely epidemics. It wants to grow up and be type A. Meanwhile, it's merely a mediocre flu pandering to the teachers to get attention.

Type C is mildest of all, kind of the Peter Parker of flues, only with no radioactive spider in sight. Like the grade C in school, it's just sort of there. Nobody really pays it any attention. It just hangs out and wishes it had the guts to do something to make headlines.

BUT... there is another entire set of flues, flues so insidious they spit on grades (and the grades die painful deaths). These are all variants of the Martian Death Flu. Some of you may have first heard about this in the 1980s from noted medical scientist Dave Barry, but I assume you that those of us with Martian DNA have known about it from before Dave's great, great, great, great grandfather was a gleam in the eye of an alchemist holding a test tube.

Variants you may remember hearing about include:

• Hong Kong Flu
• Swine Flew
• Bird Flu
• Gecko Flu
• Paperweight Flu
• Eastern Diamondback Flu
• Farm-raised Tilapia Flu
• H1B1 (a.k.a., "visa flu")

As the Martian Death Flu is named for its mortality rate of approximately 103 percent, there is always a panic when the latest variant is announced. Dour faced CDC spokespersons appear just before Hall-o-ween wearing bio-hazard suits and pointing flamethrowers at CNN and FOX news crews lest they get too close, utter warnings such as, "Stay indoors. Shut off your water. Try not to breathe or eat until spring." Some people die, and we all wonder how the rest of us survived.

The deaths are generally from Type A flu. Humans (even half humans like myself) are immune to the Martian Death Flu. No one knows why, and no one cares except the Martians, only they're dead.

The good news is that we now have Tamiflu[tm]. This wonder drug has, after taking 90% of the full regimen, done almost nothing to help me, as far as I can tell. But on the other side of the coin, my doctor no longer returns my phone calls so either she assumes it's my estate calling or she is home sick with Type A flu as well.

Either way, stay safe. Take basic precautions: wear a mask (preferably a full bio-hazard suit); don't kiss anyone; don't touch smooth surfaces with your skin (again, wear the suit!). This gives you a 75% chance of survival. If you want to bump that up to 100%, simply stop eating, breathing, and drinking until spring. And keep a flamethrower handy to enforce your personal space. If they would feel the heat, they're too close.